Three Kisses
by MidnightGoddess2112
Summary: One between James and Lily, one between Sirius and James, and one between Sirius and Remus. M/M Please R&R.
1. First Kiss

"Ready to get married, Prongs?" Remus asked teasingly.  
James laughed. "Ready as I'll ever be."  
"Well, come along, then. Wormtail's outside with the guests and the cake and the tent and everything."  
"Of course." James noticed Sirius huddled in the corner. "You okay, Padfoot?"  
"What? Oh, yeah, sure, I'm fine." But in fact, he wasn't fine at all. "Let's go. Wouldn't want to keep everyone waiting."  
"Definitely not," James agreed. Remus took his left arm, Sirius his right, and they escorted him out of the room.

* * *

"...I now pronounce you husband and wife. You may kiss the bride."  
As he watched his best friend kiss the woman he'd loved since they were eleven, Sirius half wanted to look away. Everything about this day was an uncomfortable reminder that James now belonged to someone else, someone who was not him.

It wasn't that he didn't like Lily. On the contrary, he liked her a great deal. Part of Sirius was happy that James was happy, but another part was bitter. Bitter that he couldn't make James happy the same way that Lily did. Bitter that they didn't love each other in the same way, though James didn't know that, of course. Bitter that he hadn't yet found someone who would love him back. Bitter that the one thing you couldn't have was always the one thing you wanted most. Bitter that he couldn't tell James all of this, when they usually told each other everything.

"Congratulations," Sirius murmured, shaking hands with both of them. He forced himself to meet James's eyes. "I'm happy for you."  
"Thank you," Lily said cheerily. "We're happy for us, too."  
James whispered something in Lily's ear. She nodded, James put his hand on Sirius's shoulder, and they stepped away from the throng.

"What's wrong, Padfoot?" James asked quietly.  
"Nothing's wrong," Sirius replied. "It's just that...you were the first real family I had, along with Moony and Wormtail. I'm not used to the idea of sharing you yet."  
James laughed. "Oh, Padfoot. No matter how old and gray you, Moony, Wormtail, and I get, we will _always_ be Marauders. And you will _always_ be my best friend. Always."  
"No matter what?"  
"No matter what." They hugged, then James tugged on Sirius's sleeve, like he used to do when they were boys. "Let's go. It's almost time to cut the cake!"  
Laughing, Sirius let James drag him along. But his thoughts were much cloudier than the sunny weather. _Best friends. Nothing more. Never anything more. And you have no idea how much I want to be more, James. You have no idea how I really feel about you. And you probably never will. And that's sad. But there's nothing I can do about it. Nothing anyone can do about it. At least, not until someone else comes along. I hope someone does.__ Until then, I'm stuck loving someone I can't have._

"I'm starving," Sirius announced.  
"Me, too," James agreed. "Where's that knife?"


	2. Second Kiss

They walked down by the river, which was going about its business and flowing as slowly as usual, even though the world around it was rapidly collapsing into chaos. For a long time, neither one spoke. They simply gazed at the dark water, as assorted rubbish floated past.  
"Padfoot," James said at last, "I need you to promise me something."  
"What is it?"  
"If anything happens to me, will you promise to _always_ take care of Lily and Harry?"  
"You're just asking me this _now?_" They both knew perfectly well that Lily was capable of taking care of herself and Harry too, but Sirius understood James's concern. They were in the middle of a war against the most powerful Dark wizard in years, after all. "Of course I will, Prongs. As long as I live. I promise."  
James's smile seemed to light up his whole face. "Thank you, Padfoot. I knew I could count on you."

Sirius managed to smile back. It bothered him that James trusted him so much, while he was keeping something so big from him. _You have no idea how much it hurts me to watch you with someone else,_ Sirius wanted to say. _I've accepted that we aren't meant to be, but I can't erase my feelings for you. I wish I could._  
"You look like you want to tell me something, Padfoot," James said.  
_I've wanted to tell you for so long._ "I do."  
"Well, go ahead, then. I'm listening."  
_This is it._ "Something," Sirius whispered, "that can't be expressed in words." He stepped forward and kissed James on the lips.

It took a moment for Sirius to notice that James was kissing him back, though probably more out of surprise than anything else. He pressed up against him, trying to communicate all the things he'd ever felt for his best friend through their contact. When they broke apart, James blinked, then gave a startled little laugh. "What did you do that for?"  
"No reason." Sirius looked down, his heart sinking. _What do you mean, what did you do that for? I love you, Prongs. I have for years. I knew you couldn't love me back, not in that way, but every once in a while, I still let myself hope. And now look where it's gotten me. You broke my heart. You didn't mean to, you didn't even know you were breaking it, but you did._

"I'd better get home," James said. "Lily and Harry are waiting for me."  
_Lily, Lily, Lily. For the last time, why her? Why not me?_ "See you around, then."  
"If I don't see you first." James clapped him on the back, then Disapparated.  
Sirius walked down the bank, onto the bridge, and stared down at the river. He envisioned dropping the shards of his broken heart in the murky water and watching them flow away. _I wonder if I should just jump._ But he disabused himself of that notion immediately. He'd be no help to anyone dead before his time. His heart hurt, physically hurt, but hopefully time would heal it.

With a quick look around to make sure no Muggles were watching, Sirius Disapparated.


	3. Third Kiss

Harry stood up and stretched. "Good night, Sirius. Good night, Remus."  
"Good night, Harry," Remus said. Sirius nodded. "Good night."  
As the door closed behind Harry, an emotion he couldn't name twisted within Sirius. Was it regret? Was it guilt? Was it a combination of both? Or was it something else entirely? He didn't know.  
"I know," Remus said, as though reading his thoughts. "Harry's the very image of his father, isn't he?"  
"He's the one person who should hate me," Sirius muttered. "And he doesn't."  
Remus made an exasperated noise. "For the last time, Sirius, _it wasn't your fault_. You couldn't have known Peter had turned traitor. Harry doesn't need to hate you. You already hate yourself enough. Which is not something James would have wanted."  
"You don't understand, Remus," Sirius whispered. "I loved him." The secret he'd been carrying ever since the age of eleven rose to the surface. "In more than a brotherly way, if you know what I mean."

A tear trickled down Sirius's cheek, followed by another and another. "I knew it was hopeless. I knew James could never love me back, not in that way, at least. But that didn't change the way I felt. It was torture, watching him with Lily and not me...I kissed him once, Remus, down by the river, but James just laughed and asked me what I'd done that for. I killed the man I loved, Remus. I didn't give away his location. I didn't wield the wand. I didn't cast the curse. But I killed him as surely as if I'd done all those things. When he died, I...I wanted to follow him after I'd gotten my revenge on Peter, but I couldn't because I'd promised to always take care of Lily and Harry if anything ever happened to James. And you know how that turned out."

Sirius stopped for breath and looked up at Remus. His old friend's expression was unreadable. "You don't look very surprised."  
"I'm not," Remus replied slowly. "I always suspected, but I never took the time to confirm it because..." He blushed.  
"Because what?"  
"Because I was busy pining after someone who I thought I couldn't have, either."  
"Who?"  
Remus's blush deepened and he looked at the floor. In a barely audible voice, he answered, "You."

Sirius's mouth fell open. Remus continued in a low voice. "I never believed you were a traitor, Sirius. I knew you would never have done that to James. I must admit, I _did_ think you'd killed Peter, though."  
"I wish I had."  
"So do I, now. But that's not the point. The point is..." Remus trailed off.  
"That we need to make up for lost time?" For the first time since James's death, Sirius felt something spark to life in his heart. "Come here, Moony."

He took Remus's face in his hand and turned it towards his own. "I love you," Sirius whispered. And as their lips met, he realized that it was true. For the first time in roughly twenty-five years, he'd found someone to love him back.  
Kissing Remus was amazing. It was as though little fireworks of happiness were going off inside him, and he could tell Remus felt the same way. After what seemed like hours but still wasn't enough, they broke apart. "That," Sirius said, "was the best thing that happened to me since escaping the Ministry on Buckbeak."  
Remus smiled. "That was the best thing that happened to me since finding out you weren't really a murderer." Sirius laughed and kissed him again.

"It's getting late," Sirius said. "We should go to bed."  
Remus laughed. "Yes, definitely." Sirius took his hand, and they headed upstairs.


End file.
